What To Do When Your Best Friend Is a Narcissist?

Donald Trump has done it again. On Tuesday, he referred to people from Somalia as ​“trash,” as criminals he did not want in his country. The outrage was – once again, as usual – immense.

It was not the first and certainly not the last verbal outburst from the US President and his confidants. Crossing boundaries is part of daily business for the new-right Republicans: Vice President JD Vance railing against the transatlantic alliance. Pentagon chief Pete Hegseth calling himself the minister of war.

Meanwhile, the US under Trump views Europe’s current political landscape as a threat to American interests. A new national security strategy denounces supposed democratic deficits and restrictions on freedom of speech in Europe.

Political scientist and Harvard graduate Sofie Lilli Stoffel and her colleague Philipp Y. Herzberg from the Bundeswehr University in Hamburg see patterns in what appears to be unpredictable ​“diplomacy.” Predictable behaviors that Berlin, Paris and London must brace themselves for – but ones they can also use to their advantage.

Stern: Ms. Stoffel, have Americans become narcissists?

Stoffel: No, that would go too far. A country, a people, is never narcissistic per se. And one must be very careful with that term. But there is something called collective narcissism.

That also does not sound healthy.

It is actually a phenomenon that appears frequently in democracies. Our political systems rely on people who seek attention, who believe they are capable of taking on responsibility. Those are narcissistic traits.

So a certain amount of narcissism among politicians is not necessarily bad?

Exactly. But collective narcissism can push a system toward excessive national pride and exclusion – and make people susceptible to populist leaders.

Which brings us to Donald Trump. Is he a narcissist?

I won’t make a diagnosis from afar.

Your recent study is titled ​“When Your Ally Becomes a Narcissist.”

True. But it is about US foreign policy as a whole.

Is that not also a diagnosis?

In psychology, there is a difference between narcissistic behavior and a narcissistic personality disorder. The latter is a clinical diagnosis. It would be wildly unprofessional to make that from a desk. We do not know whether Trump is a completely different person privately and his narcissistic behavior in public is just show or a tool.

Do you mean there might be two Trumps?

It is at least possible. We simply don’t know.

So what do we know?

That US foreign policy is narcissistic. And Trump does not shape it alone, even if it sometimes seems that way. When he leaves office, Republicans will not suddenly switch course. Trump has surrounded himself with people and successors who think the same way he does. Even someone like Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who appears more level-headed, uses the same narcissistic behavioral patterns.

So narcissism is not always as loud as Trump?

Correct. For Europeans, it does not matter whether Trump, Rubio, Vance or Hegseth is sitting across the table. The principle – the behavior – is the same.

What is narcissistic foreign policy?

A policy driven more by appearance than substance. By supposedly unpredictable displays of power.

Supposedly?

Yes. Like a narcissistic individual, the actors in narcissistic foreign policy follow certain patterns: they compulsively want to be seen as the best, biggest, strongest. It is about packaging, not content.

There are nine clinical criteria for narcissistic personality disorders. A suspicion exists if someone meets five. From that template, we derived seven categories for narcissistic foreign policy.

How many does US foreign policy under Trump fulfill?

All of them.

“Compulsive superiority,” ​“vengeful retaliation,” ​“demeaning treatment of allies,” just to name a few. It does sound a bit like a high-school bully.

“Yes, true.” [laughs].

What is the benefit of knowing that the US is acting narcissistically?

We still cannot predict what Trump and company will do next. But understanding what drives them helps us stay one step ahead.

An example?

Remember when Donald Trump publicly floated the idea of buying Greenland? Denmark reacted with public outrage – thus challenging America’s primacy. And the narcissistic Trump administration felt triggered.

And that is when things escalated.

Exactly.

So what should the Danes have done?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

In your study, one of your eight tips for Europeans dealing with Trump’s America is: use the power of silence (and inaction). Is it really that simple?

Silence is not a cure-all, of course. But fighting fire with fire does not work on a narcissist.

So what does work?

Appearing self-confident – without escalating. Take the German Chancellor’s inaugural visit to Washington. He let Trump talk and talk. But as soon as Trump approached a red line, Merz pushed back briefly and factually – and then let him talk again.

And that was enough?

Well, the gift didn’t hurt either.

The birth certificate of Trump’s German grandfather from the Palatinate?

Exactly.

So is flattery the solution?

It was not flattery. It was a subtle reminder that Trump himself descends from immigrants – a message of shared ground. Giving in to a narcissist, making yourself small, signals that his behavior works – and he will repeat it. We give in too often, too early. And because he gets away with it, he raises the bar every time.

But aren’t there limits?

Of course. But anything played out in the media is irrelevant. If Trump posts in all caps or disparages us in an interview, we should ignore it. A rule of thumb: respond only if addressed directly – or if core interests are at stake, such as peace in Ukraine.

Your study says narcissistic foreign policy favors ​“immediate status gains over sustainability.” Is that what we are seeing in Ukraine negotiations?

Absolutely. The US under Trump wants the war to end – no matter how. Packaging over content. He wouldn’t care if Putin took half of Ukraine or if the war resumed after Trump left office.

And what are Europeans doing wrong?

The same thing we always do. We lag behind at every turn, always reacting instead of acting. Why did we not draft a peace plan for Ukraine months ago? Then, from the US perspective, Russia would have been the villain blocking progress.

Don’t narcissists simply like other narcissists?

Definitely.

So should Europeans become more narcissistic?

Yes – in the sense of being more self-confident. But we should not start copying Trump.

Instead?

If we act like victims, we will be victims. Why don’t we host our own summit and invite Brazil, India, South Africa, Nigeria, Indonesia – without the USA?

A kind of Europe + BRICS?

Sure, why not? It would not become a formal alliance; nobody needs to hold hands for the photos. But Washington would get the message. We underestimate how important it is to hold our house together as one unit – and at the same time build alternative partnerships and counterweights. Also with like-minded countries such as Canada, Japan and Australia.

Is that even still possible? Isn’t ​“the West” already history?

We should let go of the idea of ​“the West.” Countries of the Global South do not want to be absorbed into a global West – yet they are open to interest-based cooperation. Claiming that the Western community is ​“history” is a melodramatic view of the world. Those who say that underestimate how significant Trump still is in the end.

Trump would probably see it differently.

One could almost think he is a narcissist.

This interview was originally published by Stern on December 6, 2025. The interview was conducted by Yannik Schüller.